Frustrations in Cooking

Apr 11

Frustrations in Cooking

Frustrations and how I got here.

Let me start at the beginning, I never took home economics in high school. Oh, I had plenty of friends that did, carrying around baby dolls, being pretend married-you know. I really think most guys took that course for the girls. Anyway, that wasn't me I had more "important things to do."  And by important I mean hanging out at the record store at the mall looking for the latest Poison album, or hanging out at the bowling alley with my best friend, after visiting the AAFES PX (Army Air Force Exchange Service Post Exchange for all the non-military dependents) So, here it is nearly 30 years later and I'm still teaching myself how to navigate through the kitchen.  

I collect cookbooks with every intention of trying these magnificent recipes, but like all those beautiful Hollywood worlds of romantic comedies, I know in reality that it will never happen like those story book endings.  There is no fairy godmother that waves her wand and presto-burnt turkey becomes glorious moist turkey dinner. There is no Wizard of Oz that can turn me into a great chef or even grant me the talent to boil water. I hunt yard sales for a magic lamp with a genie to grant me the wish of being like Julia Child. I can’t twitch a nose, blink, wave my hand, or snap my fingers and poof instant six course meals. Here is what I have learned so far:

·         Eggs will explode if you forget that they are boiling on the stove and the water boils out.

·         When cooking Thanksgiving dinner even after cutting the legs and wings off, it still does not go into a boiling pot.

·         Fruitcake is not supposed to be a flambé.

·         Bread is not supposed to be like bricks; bread should never be building materials.

·         Ground Cayenne is not Chili Powder, label, label, label.

·         Wear gloves when chopping habanero peppers.

·         Never and I mean NEVER wipe your eyes after dicing onions.

·         Bread knives ARE NOT paring knives.

·         Do not open the tinfoil covered item in the back of the fridge. If you do make sure you have Hazmat suits and long tongs. 

·         Do not panic. Greatest lines from a great book, but it works well in the kitchen. 

·         Start small, holiday dinner is not the time to begin the foray into cooking.

·         A turkey can cause property damage when it ignites in the oven.

·         Finally, always have your favorite take out restaurant number on speed dial.